By Khanh Nguyen
it so happens i am sick of being a woman
it happens when i am lying in bed and my stomach feels like it’s on fire
i just want to curl up into a ball real small
and wish wish wish my vulva away
and i think, wouldn’t it be so much easier if i weren’t a woman
it happens when i am the only woman at my internship
and i’m carrying the mantle of my gender on my shoulders
my problem is that i seem too aggressive when i say:
this has to be done by monday
and too confident when i say:
i have an idea
let’s try that again
what do you think about getting this done by monday
i’m just thinking out loud here
every word out of my mouth feels like it should be
carefully wrapped and labelled before it’s delivered
and i think, wouldn’t it be so much easier if i weren’t a woman
it happens when i’m walking home alone at night.
i’m so tired that i can almost close my eyes and sleepwalk
but of course i can’t
safety is an illusion that can be so easily shattered
by a man walking too close and an alley lurking too conveniently
and i think, wouldn’t it be so much easier if i weren’t a woman
it happens almost every day.
when i am forced to choose between integrity and self-preservation
between my values and my peace of mind
it happens whenever I encounter a microaggression
a tiny piece of sexism curated just for me
like when a reviewer says my skirt is too short
and I have to make the choice:
do i say something or do i let it slide
women have made great strides over the years
they’ve taken a sledgehammer to this glass cage
torn apart the fabric of this society to stitch it together anew
most days, i am proud to be a woman
but there are days when the confidence i built up in the morning
has crumbled by the afternoon
and i’m left sick: sick of being a woman
Khanh Nguyen (she/her) is a Vietnamese writer, researcher, and designer from the Bay Area and currently based out of DC. She is trying to explore themes of belonging and wandering in the different communities that she is part of – including the Southeast Asian American community and the Queer community.
Hot Pot Magazine 