By Phoenix Ning
Between the mountains of bygone and forthcoming is
a flimsy bridge upon which I stand, surrounded by
coiling mist, all sights lost to the plague of uncertainty.
White noise in my head, buzzing static, my mind an old television
replaying snippets of abusive caregivers giving no care, not a damn
as they hurled insults like knives into my teenage heart, my inner child
cowering behind the purple sofa in that torture chamber, my childhood home.
Get me out of here. Get me out here. Get me out—
The bridge sways beneath my blistered feet, my heart heavier than
the myriad of bags weighing down on my back. The mountain of memories
looms, casting behemoth shadows darker than the indignant demons thrashing
in the cage of my bruised heart. Unleash fire and brimstone. Let rage rain.
No one is innocent. No one is innocent. No one is innocent.
Yet my mouth continues to match the tunes of smiles and benevolent words.
I have seen monsters, distorted beasts rearing their heads, ready to kill.
I refuse to become a lookalike. A shadow.
The bridge creaks as I sit. Creative lightning forking through the mist.
In the flashes are the faces of my otherworldly friends, melodies I transmute
into empowering raps, digital designs depicting doomsday dances, bleeding poetry.
The pen is my savior. The stories my breath. The songs my hymns. Creativity my religion.
Despite the lightning, the mist remains, tendrils of it blurring my vision.
I see no beauty in the mountain of tomorrow, no point in the valley of yesterday,
no prospect in the mist threatening to devour all. There is only lightning, anchoring
me to the bridge of life. The day the sky stops flashing will be the day I take the plunge.
But until then, I shall remain on the bridge.
Healing. In pain. Alone. Together. Alone.
A mourner.
A survivor.
Phoenix Ning is a twenty-year-old Chinese writer of sapphic antiheroes and queer found families. She is currently a senior studying human-computer interaction. When not writing, she can be found watching C-Dramas and penning raps. A fierce advocate of diversity in media, she hopes that her audience will feel empowered after reading her words or listening to her songs. Her poetry has appeared in Iris Youth Magazine, Messy Misfits Club, Soft Star Magazine, Missive Magazine, Sour Cherry Magazine, Writers Resist, and The Magnus Effect. Her music is available on all major music streaming platforms. You can find her on https://ladyphoenixning.com/.
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